Is That Cool?

The Horror from the Hills

2011-09-26T00:31:00.000+09:30

Hey, so I found this amazing list the other day. Its called the "List of Great Old Ones", and it was originally created by H.P Lovecraft, and expanded by his band of followers throughout literary history. Its essentially a compendium of names and descriptions of deities belonging to the "Cthulhu Mythos". Now, that probably won't mean much to you unless you're some sort of terrible Satanic Sci-Fi geek - but believe me, its objectively one of the bigger goldmines that the internet has offered up since eBay.

Dick with this:

Watch out! Its CHAUGNAR FAUGN! Also known by the epithet "The Horror from the Hills". Firstly, Chaugnar is a motherfucking badass. Secondly, he's a humanoid elephant with horribly grotesque features, combining the worst aspects of octopus, elephant, and human being. Also he's made of "night", or something. He moves incredibly fast for his size and will drain the blood of any being it encounters. Especially YOU.

Chaugnar Faugn falls into the category of "black magic" mythology, stories that were whispered amongst the endarkened (opposite of enlightened, is that cool? I might have just invented a word...) rather than passed along as regular legends like the Hydra/Minotaur/Larry Bird.

Seriously, grimoires are the best things ever. Way better than textbooks. I'd much rather have studied black magic than "Society & Environment". Then maybe all these bloody talismans would come in handy once in a while.

"Project Rainbow"

2011-09-17T17:00:00.000+09:30

Hey there, so have you ever wanted to drive around in an invisible battleship? There's only one answer, and its "Yes."

So it turns out, that the U.S. Navy destroyer USS Eldridge is believed to be the first significant object successfully (or pseudo-successfully, I guess) "cloaked". Cloaking is a fictional process in which an object, usually something epic like a spaceship or a tank - is rendered invisible to the electromagnetic spectrum. So yeah, lets totally defy physics and inivisble a fucking ship, we'll see how that goes.

So, the Navy decided, based on something called the "Unified Field Theory", to use electrical generators to bend light around the object in order to make invisible. The story goes, that a test in July of 1943, resulted in the Eldridge being almost completely cloaked, with witnesses reporting a green fog appearing in its place.

But this is where it becomes awesome. It is said that when the ship reappeared, sailors were actually embedded in the metal of the ship, including one sailor who ended up on a deck level below that where he began, with his hand embedded in a steel girder. At that point, it is said that the experiment was altered at the request of the Navy, with the new objective being solely to render the Eldridge invisible to radar. Unfortunately for me, none of these claims have been officially substantiated.

This whole thing, popularly referred to as "The Philadelphia Experiment" or "Project Rainbow", has been surpressed/disproved/abandoned over the years, but remains a point of discussion & debate for conspiracy theorists to this day. I'm totally going to break into Area 51 one day, and do some snooping around for myself... Then we'll see what's what.

The Mountain of the Dead

2011-09-16T14:30:00.000+09:30

So I've already gone and blown my own mind with the title of this post, but there's a little more to explain before we all strip off and run screaming into the snow. The Mountain of the motherfucking Dead. Today I'm referring specifically to Kholat Syakhl, a mountain pass in which some seriously macabre shit took place. I know, who would be crazy enough to expect sunshine, bluebirds and survival on "The Mountain of the Dead"? Nobody, that's who - even still, the poor souls who did fall victim to the pass would have a pretty good story to tell if they were English-speaking ghosts. Lets do this thing:

So, It all begins fairly innocently, with a group of 9 experienced Ski hikers setting out into the great white Russian wilderness. Diary entries for he days leading up to the "event" have been found. It is reported that after becoming lost due to snowblindness (boom), the hikers set up camp to weather a blizzard of some kind. Here's what the inquest into the demise of the group reveals (paraphrased from http://en.wikipedia.org/Dyatlov_Pass_Incident) :

Three of the group members died as a result of fatal injuries, Six from hypothermia.
There were no indications of other people anywhere close by, apart from the nine travelers.
The tent had been ripped open from within.
The victims had died 6 to 8 hours after their last meal.
All group members left the camp of their own accord, on foot.
The fatal injuries of the three bodies could not have been caused by another human being, "because the force of the blows had been too strong and no soft tissue had been damaged".
High doses of radioactive contamination were found on the clothes of the victims.

Holy ghost! So, I'm led to believe - based on this cryptic but "officially gathered" evidence, that the hikers were involved in some kind of RADIOACTIVE BLIZZARD MADNESS? I guess so. Such an incredible & mysterious way to go out, on the mountain of the dead, sprinting through the snow barefoot with newfound radioactive superhuman strength/bloodlust. I'm forced to believe there's no other sensible explanation. Here's something else (wikipedia is my/your best friend) :

After the funerals, relatives of the deceased claimed that the skin of the victims had a strange brown tan, for no reason.
Another group of hikers (50kms away from the pass) reported that they saw strange orange spheres in the night sky over the mountain, the night of the incident.
Some reports suggest that there was a lot of scrap metal in the area, leading to speculation that the military had utilized the area secretly and might be engaged in a cover-up.

So yeah, you go to the Mountain of the Dead, you get explosively dramatic results. Lets go!

Total Badasses: Kiss

2011-08-01T12:48:00.007+09:30

Kiss, man. Such a fucking powerful musical force. The greatest American theatrical-rock band of all time. Starchild. Demon. Spaceman. Catman. KISS!

What I love about Kiss is their schtick is what got them over with fans. Not so much their (admittedly pretty amazing at times) pop sensibility or musicianship, its the whole fucking gimmick. Its incredible. They're more of a disco band than a metal band. They're more "Queen" than "Sabbath". What they are is the all-powerful essence of live musical pageantry.

So, Kiss. They're badasses. Doing their own thing and basically kicking pure ass despite never increasing in relevance. But never decreasing, either. Just nailing the verse, nailing the chorus, and genuinely just being Kiss. KISS!

Check out this sweet, sweet, epic disco jam. Not metal. Totally underrated guitar solo, too.

For more total badasses, click here.

Death Throes!

2011-07-25T10:33:00.006+09:30

Another morbid one, guys. Motherfucking DEATH THROES. So, before I go off and form a Doom Metal band, I'll run this by you - pretty much, this unfortunate Archaeopteryx (pictured above) has come to the end of his life. And since he's now a beautifully arranged fossil, paleontologists have been able to study him and figure a few things out about evolution. But never mind that, this poor old fellow is sprawled out in what is called the "Death Throes".

Death Throes: A violent last-ditch spasm before the Grim Reaper arrives and leaves you in the dust. Epic. Putting it all out there on the line in the final hour. Parting with very bit of energy you've got left, and adding a little drama to the final arrangement of your limbs. Death Throes. Mine are going to be epic, I might try and leap out of a window or something.

Here's the extinction (containing at least one Death Throe, at 6:40) according to Disney's "Fantasia" - except this uploader's been awesome and decided that Rush would be a great soundtrack. Enjoy!

Death Mask!

2011-07-25T09:38:00.003+09:30

So here's another process I should probably have done to me after I've passed. Motherfucking DEATH MASK. Very, very badass. Basically its a way to preserve the image of a person who's passed, by making a last-minute cast of their face, immediately following death. They have been used as mementos of the dead, forensic research items, and a reference for post-mortem portraiture. Morbid.

There's also apparently a "life mask" which is cool, except less morbid, and probably less useful since you can just look at their living face if you really need to. Also, if I'm honest - a photograph would probably suffice.

Death Mask. Awesome superhero/wrestler name, too.

Total Badasses: CM Punk

2011-07-12T18:51:00.004+09:30

So, a new king of modern sports entertainment has been crowned, or so it seems. I've mentioned WWE and wrestling in general (neither of the 'W's in WWE stand for wrestling anymore) - and all of my previous posts have been about the past glories of a few breakthrough WWE stars. Over the last fortnight I've been lucky enough to witness the dawn of what could be an entirely new era. The man at the helm is CM Punk. Here's him "speaking his mind" before his final PPV appearance on Sunday.

So he's just strutted out there onto the set of a live television show, and gone on a 10 minute verbatim rant about how much his boss, his colleagues and the industry are just... well, fucked. He (almost) breaks character and kayfabe about 200 times and doesn't get cut off 'til the last second. Hmmmm. Anyways, regardless of whether this was real or 'worked', it was an incredible piece of promo work. Big time. A really big deal.

So here I am, a long standing fan of Punk's - waiting to see if the WWE has pulled off an incredible on-screen acknowledgement of their mistreatment of their talent and their fans, or just let a very serious embarrasment happen at the hands of their most well-rounded performer. I'd love to let it rip on my boss like that.

For more total badasses, click here.

Bridges

2011-07-11T22:43:00.006+09:30

No, not Beau Bridges you idiot, regular bridges!

Here's the thing about Civilization... From what I understand you reproduce a whole bunch and have your children grow up and become grown humans. You all work together, plant seeds, breed livestock and basically obliterate your parcel of land for all the resources it has. Then you build roads so you can sell your apples and pigs to neighbouring villages and then those roads need to cross a river because there's better grain on the other side maybe, so you need to build passageways everywhere all around the world so that civilization can function, or something.

Right, so basically you need to build bridges spanning these physical obstacles. And then cities emerged and these incredible bridges got built.

Bridges.

Chewing Gum

2011-07-11T20:32:00.003+09:30

If I had to state what my favourite category in the world is (and I've definitely laboured night & day over this), its probably "useless things that have somehow survived the test of time", like windmills. Here's another. Chewing gum.

What is it made of? What does it do? Nobody knows. But what I do know, is that it looks and feels fucking cool-as-balls to chew. Just try and deny it. See? You can't.

Chewing gum. It only does one thing, but it does it better than you.

"The Captain's Table"

2011-07-11T18:31:00.001+09:30

Imagine being invited to dine at the Captain's table....

It would be so awesome, even if you were on some sort of dinky cruise ship, you'd totally love it. Just like pilots, Ship Captains (of ships that are big and nice and don't smell bad) are just a wicked different class of dudes. And I'm all about class, obviously. So yeah, sit down with the Captain during the ship's "Maiden Voyage"... also awesome... and just tuck in to the "catch of the day". Fuck, Sea imagery is so spot on, man.

Also this: Apparently Sea Captains have never, at any point ever been able to legally perform weddings. What the fuck? That's totally a older-than-time myth. Not only that, but the rules and regulations actually state that a Captain should specifically NOT attempt to perform a marriage at sea. Which is hilarious, because it suggests that some captains have been a bit "caught up in the moment" and given it a go. :)

Tonight's research really did crush my hopes and dreams of being a Wedding-cruise operator. Oh well, drawing board ahoy!

Mass Extinction!

2011-01-08T20:54:00.003+10:30

OK, so here it is. Actually the most terrifying thing I've ever heard of. And I mean it this time. Mass motherfucking extinction. Watch out for it.

The K-T event, or "Cretaceous–Tertiary extinction" event - is the most widely recognized occurrence of mass extinction in Earth's history. 75% of all species (all the god-damn Dinosaurs) on the planet were wiped out over the course of... well, a relatively short period of time. Most fossil records seem to point to some sort of rapid geological event, which hit Earth's "reset button" and left the Birds and Mammals to thrive in the new age.

My best bet is that it all happened because of some sort of crazy space rock, falling to Earth and completely fucking everyone up. There's a nicely placed 1.6km deep "smash hole" in the Yucatán Peninsula of Mexico, with Shocked Quartz in the rock bed. Could be the best clue. That's all I'm saying.

Reticulated Python

2011-01-08T20:30:00.004+10:30

You're an African Reticulated Python! Yes you Are! You're so reticulated!

This is the biggest species of python on the planet, so it can pretty confidently just swoop in and claim the title of the biggest species of BADASS on the planet. These motherfuckers can devour an entire Nyala in one sitting. Nyalas aren't small.

So, yeah. Lets get this over with:

Rome

2011-01-06T13:58:00.006+10:30

Rome. There's some serious evidence of "the magic of civilization" there, man. Its like the city itself is one of those cabinets people keep in their houses with all the valuable trinkets and china inside. Except this one has ancient buildings, statues and fountains, all with incredible backstories.

Now, everyone knows I'm a sucker for mythology, but any city founded by a guy raised by motherfucking WOLVES gets my vote. Basically, these two boys were left in the cold to die. A She-Wolf came along and picked up the slack, which was nice of her - and reared the boys back to health. They decided at some point to get started on a city.

They couldn't agree on which hill to build it on, so Romulus killed Remus, to avoid a drawn-out argument about it. I've got brothers, and violent hill-arguments happen all the time, no big deal. Anyways, seems like Romulus' hill was the right choice, because eventually a fore-runner of the "epic city" movement was born. Rome.

I really want to visit Rome one day, and I hope the mythology & magic in the air translates as well as I've let myself believe it will. It really would've been the "centre of the universe" for a good period of time. That's fucking amazing.

Hot Air Balloons

2011-01-06T13:40:00.004+10:30

Up, up and away! Put these guys down as another super-underrated form of transportation. I would LOVE to own one of these. They create a very particular kind of "skyscape" - ie. like a landscape, but in the sky, when there's so many of them cruising at once. There's something so perfect about sliently ambling (at no particularly urgent pace) across the sky, taking it all in, and generally just being pleasant.

Pleasant stuff is the best stuff. Just chill out in a hot air balloon already, what are you waiting for?

Morning Star

2011-01-06T10:52:00.003+10:30

Not the star, the weapon! The instrument of PAIN! Here comes the PAIN!

Not because pain is so great, but calling such a badass flail a "morning star" is just about the most insane idea going around. Blunt force. Puncture attack. Morning star.

I think I've just chosen my "zombie apocalypse survival weapon".

Danny McBride

2011-01-04T09:19:00.008+10:30

Anyone who knows me knows I love Pineapple Express. I love every single line from it, pretty much. Every single cast member has been chosen perfectly, and some of the back-and-forth dialogue in this movie is out of this motherfucking WORLD. None moreso than the segments involving the "Last American Hero", Danny McBride.

McBride plays Red, the jerkoff who sells commercial amounts of exotic Marijuana, to Saul Silver (craftily portrayed by Hollywood Heartthrob James Franco). In addition to being one of the funniest performances of, I dunno... 2008 or whenever that movie came out, It also seems as if they just let the talent "go for it" whilst recording. It looks like a fucking fun movie to make. Dick with this:

See? if its not stylishly casual Dick-and-Balls humour, its seriously weird repartee with a spirit found only in a THC romance the likes of "Pineapple Express".

It takes a certain charisma to handle this "fat jerk" humour. Where everything you're saying is loud, obnoxious and the unabashed truth. With Red, we've got these unlikeable qualities put forth with that I-really-don't-give-a-fuck swagger, and for me at least, its infectious as fuck. I would love to have McBride's public speaking skills... as an adult, I'd be able to convince others my lack of accomplishment is a result of "nobody knowing shit" and that my time is yet to come.

Nobody knows shit. My time is yet to come.

World Tree

2011-01-04T08:58:00.003+10:30

Happy new year, folks! I spent mine in Glenworth Valley, an amazingly beautiful piece of Australian countryside, with a pretty magical forest landscape. Plus, it had a really amazing sky. Being outside of the city at night is one of the best things you can do. We saw about 100 shooting stars, it was crazy.

Anyways, bringing in the New Year with the ghost Luxury Wolf, we had one of the most amazing conversations I've ever been a part of. Here's the skinny:

"Imagine there was this ENOURMOUS cosmic tree. One that spans the entire universe. It sits in the middle and its branches reach out into every corner of the universe. Now imagine if each planet, star, sun & heavenly body in the cosmos is a FRUIT from this tree."

*pause for mind explosion*

This is the greatest off-the-cuff conceptualization of the universe I think I've ever heard. I would worship the FUCK out of that tree, man. It has it all. Seems like we one day will end up writing our own religion, since I'm already more convinced this is true. More convinced than I am about Jesus and every other major religion in the world. Bam.

Cyclops!

2010-11-16T00:40:00.002+10:30

A Cyclops is the name for a member of a mythical, primordial race of giants, characterized by a single eye in the middle of the forehead. The Cyclops is also a pretty cool motherfucker, if only for his fairly unimpressive "special ability", which seems to really be just its large size. See, I might be wrong, but only having one eye would almost certainly be a disadvantage, right?

Nevertheless, they helped Zeus overthrow Chronus and the rest of the Titans, forging thunderbolts for use in the war. The Cyclopes have been thought to have designed many other mythical objects, including Apollo's bow (and arrows made of sun rays) Poseidon's trident, Artemis's bow and arrows (these are made of moonlight) and Hades's "helmet of darkness". HELMET OF DARKNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The best bit about "Cyclop Handicrafts" though, is this excerpt from the cyclops wikipedia: "The noises proceeding from the heart of volcanoes were often attributed to the forging operations of the Cyclopes."

Thats pretty awesome, man.

Spear Fishing

2010-11-16T00:26:00.003+10:30

There's something so incredibly glorious about catching food this^^ way. Spearing a Fish. Yeah. Behaving more like one of nature's most wily predators, rather than the humans we've become used to being, geting drivethrough McDonalds. This is the way to hunt for food. Using tools that nature provides to you, making a weapon, and then impaling a fucken salmon with it. Then eating it.

That's fucking awesome. I want to try this one day, but only if you promise I'll catch something. And you have to gut it. I can't handle that shit.

That Lucky Old Sun

2010-11-05T01:28:00.005+10:30

The Sun is a shining fucking golden champion. He's a Solar Deity. The Sun is the most powerful thing in our galaxy, probably. In its core, the Sun fuses 430–600 million tons of hydrogen each second. The Sun is a motherfucking beast.

The Sun gods of mythology had really awesome names... Apollo. Freyr. Sol Invictus. Helios. (a "Heliopolis" is a "Sun City". Boom) Ra. Check out Ra:

What a majestic badass! Look at the "dignified pose" he's striking.

Anyways, being "as powerful as the sun itself" is possibly the greatest thing one could ever achieve. I'm going to become that.

Air Force One

2010-11-02T22:38:00.010+10:30

I'm gonna rise up
I'm gonna kick a little ass
I'm gonna kick some ass in the U.S.A.
I'm gonna climb a mountain
I'm gonna sew a flag
I'm gonna fly on an eagle
I'm gonna kick some butt
I'm gonna drive a big truck
I'm gonna rule this world
I'm gonna kick some ass
I'm gonna rise up
Gonna kick a little ass
Rock on! Flyin' eagle!

Air Force One is a 1997 Action/Adventure film starring (total badass) Harrison Ford, (total badass) Gary Oldman, Glenn Close and William H Macy. It follows the story of President James Marshall (Ford), who makes a career defining speech, heralding the USA's newly-bolstered stance against all things terrorism. Here's the trailer.

See, the thing I absolutely love about this movie (and something Luxury Wolf, the betrayer) quite rightfully emphasized for me - is this. Action movies, generally have a big, mighty macho dude saving the day against the odds. This character is generally known as "the Hero". And that's great. Air Force One has the motherfucking PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

The President is the Hero.

So not only is the James Marshall equipped with all the necessary combat skills to kick Gary Oldman's ass, and save the day, he's also the President of the United States of America. He's both. I've never witnessed a more brash example of "PATRIOTISM, FUCK YEAH!" in my whole life.

There's also this. It could be my favourite line in the history of cinema.

"GET OFF MY PLANE."

Valkyrie

2010-11-02T21:34:00.005+10:30

The Valkyrie, man. What an awesome lady. Awesomely POWERFUL. The Valkyrie is known as the "chooser of the slain", in Norse mythology. Which relates to Norse beliefs about War, Death and the Afterlife.

The Valkyries are the mythical women who decide who will die in battle, and bring the chosen into Valhalla, the hall of the slain. Valhalla is ruled by the Norse god Odin. Holy shit, how amazing would it be to die in an ancient Nordic battle? You'd be whisked away by one of thse hot babes, into the "Hall of the Dead", to await Ragnarök, the "final destiny of the gods".

Wagner - Ride of the Valkyries

The 450 Splash

2010-10-25T23:36:00.004+10:30

Yeah yeah, so I enjoy the current WWE product. So what? Go fuck yourselves.

Nah just kidding. But seriously, I haven't gotten over the loss of classic dudes like "Macho Man Randy Savage", "Brutus Beefcake" and "Typhoon" either... But none of the aforementioned could pull off anything like this.

Boom. The 450 splash. 450, because it adds another 90 degrees to what otherwise would just be a front-flip. Splash, because you let your chest smash down on the other guy as hard as possible. Then you pin him. Then you win.

Or, you can springboard it to the outside of the ring, like my boy here John Morrison. Boom. Somebody give this guy the strap already!

Anyways - yeah, wrestling is gay and whatever, but none of you "beat poetry" fans can do a fucking springboard 450. So yeah... Gladiatorial Athleticism, or something.

Total Badasses: Paul McCartney

2010-10-25T22:47:00.010+10:30

Sir Paul McCartney. MBE. The most successful songwriter in the history of music. Musician. Activist. Total Badass.

I love Paul. I've always had a softspot for him, his songs always semed less pretentious and egotistical than those of his (equally badass and incredible) writing partner John Lennon. They were like the "Bert and Ernie" of groundbreaking 60's pop songwriting, and Paul is totally Ernie.

Anwyays, not only is the guy just obviously responsible for some of the greatest music humans have ever created (Let It Be, Hey Jude, Maybe I'm Amazed, etc), he also just seems like a totally realistic, genuinely nice guy. Maybe he's not or whatever, but still - to have been in the public eye your whole life and still come off like a fucking champion no matter what you get up to; is very impressive.

Plus, he's so incredibly decorated. Sir. Being a knight of the British Empire is awesome, especially if you got there by writing "Yesterday" and playing the bass. Awesome.

Here's one of my favourites from Paul's post-Beatles era.

Paul McCartney - Coming Up

It (no shit) brought John Lennon out of retirement.

For more total badasses, click here.

"Moonline"

2010-10-23T23:36:00.007+10:30

Here's how I want to take my first trip out into the galaxy. Moonline!

Such an outlandish concept, but perhaps not completely unqualifiable. Actually, its probably extremely unqualifiable, but I don't care. Imagination has always been Science's cooler little brother.

Space + Train = Space train. Lets do it.

The artist, by the name of Shigeru Komatsuzaki, rules. He's also responsible for some of the more memorable depictions of the Thunderbirds (see below).

I love this "model set box" style of art work, the stuff you'd find on awesome toys, posters, merchandise, etc - back in the 70's. Great stuff.

Mist

2010-10-13T17:31:00.006+10:30

Mist, man. Water droplets suspended in the air are the shit. They add an overall dramatic mood, and the sense that "some dangerous thing can happen at any time" to any situation. Reducing the real world's draw-distance is a really funny and awesome thing to do. Mist. Here's another thing:

THE Mist. The. Anyone seen this movie? I love this fucking movie. It stars Tom Jane, which is always a plus (check out "Arrested Development" and "Boogie Nights" to see why Tom Jane is a fucking badass) - and tells the story of a group of small-town residents who get trapped in a supermarket, after the town becomes shrouded in a mysterious mist.

What follows is more or less the usual Stephen King fare, with mysterious monsters attacking the shop from outside, whilst the mist-hostages enter survival mode, and the story becomes an agorophobic "islotation thriller". The fear of the outside world, ruled by mist - keeps the group of around 50 generic townspeople trapped in the shop, where they are left to form not only their own society, but also strategies and methods of escape.

Obviously, they cannot all agree - and the mini-civilization within the supermarket begins to crumble. The superstitious and religious townsfolk believe that god will save them, while the level-headed Tom Jane and his neighbours and friends, decide they have the know-how to get out of this alive.

Sure. That might've sounded pretty crap, but the real stylishness of this movie really is how simple it is. Monsters outside = don't go outside. Town shrouded in mist = nobody knows where to run. Simple.

But seriously. The phenomenon of "Mist" is great and all, but See this movie, if only for the ending. The ending of this movie will make you Blow. A. Cow.

Headdress

2010-10-07T12:43:00.006+10:30

Headdress. Boom. This one is kind of awkward looking, but even still... This is what royal costuming should be. Kill a bunch of birds of prey, harvest those feathers, arrange them in some kind of epic hat, and away you go - leading a civillization.

Here's another thing. It just oozes majesty... You'd believe everything this guy had to say about the universe.

One last one. Boo Yah, a fucking dynamite headdress for the greatest warrior to ever live, or something. If you see this king coming towards you, run fast. Run far. Like the wind.

Headdress.

King Cobra

2010-10-07T12:07:00.005+10:30

Cobra Style! These snakes, man. Such kings of the reptilian civilization. This snake is clearly the easiest reptile to "worship". Something to do with having a naturally-forming headdress just makes these dudes fucking unstoppable. Cobra Style!

Blade Dance!

2010-09-27T22:20:00.002+09:30

Anyone want to learn a cool dance? Ready? Go!

Man, I'm definitely doing this with my bride at my wedding.

ARCHAEOPTERYX

2010-09-27T22:09:00.003+09:30

Archaeopteryx, I think we can all agree is a great example *Slides glasses up bridge of nose* of a "transitional fossil" between Bird and Dinosaur. He is also the fanciest and most "glam" motherfucker this side of the Cretacious Period. What a genius... Imagine being ripped apart by the Killing Claw of this fancy boy, he reminds me of "Vega" from the Street Figther series...

In that they both really brings a little "showmanship" to the art of Disemboweling a guy.

Whoa. Hive Mind!

2010-09-26T20:30:00.007+09:30

Collective consciousness.... Swarm Intelligence..... Hive Mind. There are probably very specific and scientific details and levels to each of these terms, but I'm going to go an pretend they all describe the same thing. Basically, we're talking about a group of natural or artificial individual things (famously Bees) showing signs of collective thought or intelligence. In nature, this behaviour is seen in colonies of ants, schools of fish, livestock, birds, and bacteria.

Its more "mindblowing" though, if you think of the concept applied to human (or superhuman/extra terrestrial) beings. The ending of that new Indiana Jones comes to mind, where the council of Aliens were absorbing and sharing as much knowledge about the universe as possible. A portal to another world was opened when this stream of collective hyperconsciousness was interrupted....

I came up with a supervillain idea the other day, named "The Swarm" where the nefarious humanoid guy was actually just a swarm of collectively-conscious superinsects wearing a "man-suit". Shotgun the copyright on that one, suckers. (But let's face it, its probably already been done.)

Hills

2010-09-26T17:44:00.006+09:30

The Hill. The smaller, more peaceful cousin of the Mountain, but with a certain serene dignity that makes them a dreamy addition to any large-scale landscape. Hills just chill out there, on the side of the road, just being totally cool with everything. Congratulations, hills - you're awesome.

Hills.

Death's Head Hawk Moth

2010-09-19T00:51:00.007+09:30

Have four words ever met that made more sense to be together than these four? I think I've gone and discovered the most amazingly named animal in the entire living universe. The Death's Head Hawk Moth. HAWK MOTH! Holy fuck, look at this guy.

The actual species names for these moths are Atropos & Styx. If you're any sort of Greek Mythology wizard, you'll know that Atropos is the member of the three "Fates"... They controlled the metaphorical thread of life of every mortal from birth to death. Atropos is he one who cuts the thread of life. Boom. Styx is the name of the famed "River of the Dead". Boom.

What a fucking morbid moth! Best moth ever.

Total Badasses: Wario

2010-09-19T00:03:00.005+09:30

Look at Wario, man. He has ALL the coins. Awesome. He probably got that treasure by doing some "nefarious deeds", or something. Wario pretty much follows the generic-incompetent-bad-guy-who-resembles-his-nemesis... villain formula, which in this case, relates to nemesis Super Mario. Resembles, in that they both appear to be middle aged, working class Italian men working for similarly uniformed plumbing companies. Regardless, in their historic confrontations, Wario always managed to fall flat on his face in attempts to get the best of Mario. This relationship stood, until he was credited with his own franchise, the WarioLand and subsequent WarioWear series.

Ever since, Wario has seemed like a favourite of the Nintendo creative team, taking on more of an 'antihero' persona, and generally starring in some pretty entertaining games. I like the guy.

He has such an amazing laugh, too:

Wario's Laugh

Great stuff. With a laugh like that, no wonder he gets all the treasure.

For more total badasses, click here.

Prism

2010-09-14T10:55:00.005+09:30

Yeah yeah, Dark Side of the Moon and shit, but seriously - Splitting light up into its constituent spectral colors is the best fun ever.

This process probably has some real-world, important scientific applications - and that's great and all, but I'm just impressed that you can "do rainbows" with a Prism. Prism is a fucking remarkable word, too - doesn't even need very many vowels. Cool shit.

Apparently there's also something called a "Grism". Its a Grating Prism, and I believe its used in telescopes. Grism. That's funny.

"Mind Prison" anyone?

2010-09-14T10:26:00.008+09:30

Holy shit, Mind Prison. Imagine being incarcerated in one of these... Its IMPOSSIBLE TO BREAK FREE FROM. I love concepts like this, because they're so ridiculous and leave so much unexplained. But still, there probably should be a 1984-esque movie where someone is sentenced to serve a life sentence in "Mind Prison" just because that shit sounds so good on paper.

"He paid the ultimate price... Imprisonment inside HIS OWN MIND."

Read my Demolition Man post for inspiration. I'm sure Lux (if he wasn't dead) could suggest a few obscure Science Fiction movies where this very thing has happened, but to my mind - I'm sitting on a Goldmine. Seems like a place the post-Matrix audience is ready to visit. :)

UFO Enthusiasts

2010-09-13T23:15:00.009+09:30

I know I'm not the only one here, but I see UFO's as one of the more modern religions. I can see the appeal, too. Having a passion, or a belief that's so easily and readily discounted by the population, one that you truly commit to... Like... go ALL the way for, is just awesome. If we're being honest, is anyone who prays really praying to a more tangible/realistic/believable god than whatever this guy's got going on?

Ok so that guy was pretty great. Pretty harmless, too. This was from a show by Louis Theroux, a guy Luxury Wolf got me onto. Seriously, EVERYTHING Theroux did was amazing, but the video below could be the highlight.

In this episode, he travels into the Nevadan and Californian deserts, in search of evidence proving the existence of Extra-Terrestrial life. Here's Reverend Robert Short, one of the (best) guys (ever) Louis meets while visiting the "Blue Rose Ministry":

I know, right?

Total Badasses: Yoshimitsu

2010-09-01T11:01:00.001+09:30

Yoshimitsu is the most enigmatic and mysterious character in (both) the Tekken and Soul Calibur game franchises. He is described as a "Space Ninja" and his appearance changes dramatically between releases. Despite this, He always fights wearing spectacular-looking armor, and weilding a "Cursed Blade". He's an absolute lunatic, his moveset is second to none, and his cut-scenes are always the most epic and outlandish (aside from guys like Mokujin, who i'll probably include in the blog later).

Yoshimitsu is able to spit out noxious gas, teleport, turn invisible, run at an amazing speed, and able to fly - by rapidly spinning his sword like a helicopter rotor.

I'm a huge fan of the Tekken series, but certainly not an expert on storylines. Here's what I could decode from my research:

Yoshimitsu is the (current?) leader of the Manji Clan. The blade wielded by Yoshimitsu is also called "Yoshimitsu"... presumably because it holds the spirits of all the former leaders. After a token "respect" storyline in Tekken 1 - Yoshimitsu enters the second Tekken tournament to rescue his friend Dr. Boskonovitch.

Yoshimitsu reappears in Tekken 3 (the best overall game in the series), trying to help Boskonovitch, whose daughter is suffering from a mysterious disease. In Tekken 4, he attempts to form alliances between the Zaibatsu and the Manji Clan.

In Tekken 5 - he seeks out Bryan Fury (another total badass, and my personal favourite Tekken storyline) - who had brutally slaughtered members of Yoshimitsu's clan. And in Tekken 6, Yoshi attempts to find a new sword after realizing that his current one is a cursed weapon driving him insane.

That was a mouthful. Just play some fucken Tekken. For more total badasses, click here.

Mayan Cosmos

2010-09-01T10:20:00.005+09:30

Man, the Mayans had some the most mind-shattering ideas... This is just amazing. I love how non-chalant this seems with the labelling/captions on it. "Now, over here is the Sun Jaguar, which is just next to the Vision Serpent..."

Sun Jaguar.

Vision Serpent.

I would easily go for this belief system, based purely on the kind of shit these "Ancient Skywatchers" were churning out - its all so much cooler, more badass, and more vibrant stuff than anything Jesus had to offer. Anyways, here's a colourful version, because colours are fun.

Kind of an awesome way to summarize your entire existence, and keep your people in line. "Bird of Heaven, Cosmic Monster... You get it... Just obey them." Instant civilization!

Steam Power!

2010-08-31T23:55:00.000+09:30

Steam power... Its the best. Completely changed the world. Check it out:

The first-recorded steam engine, designed in ancient Greece by a dude named "Hero of Alexandria". That's cool. It was created almost two millennia before the industrial revolution. He used the original (pictured) as a "rocket" style propulsion engine, and another to open Temple doors. All through the power of STEAM.

Around 80% of the electricity used by the entire planet is currently produced by use of steam turbines. Bam. Anything Nuclear (Submarines, bro!), also - Steam power. Here's the classic popularized steam engine:

Extra Steam, please! Steam trains are awesome. Such classic, timeless transportation. Steam Locomotives were the device "getting it done" from the start of the 19th century, until the middle of the 20th Century. A good honest run, for a good honest piece of technology.

I'd love to take a trip on the "fanciest" antique train journey I could find - like the Rocky Mountain way or the Trans-Siberian railroad, as long as the train and carriages are really luxurious and old. There'd be an "engineer" on board, with the whole getup on, and shit like that. ....Fat Controller? I dunno.

So, to summarize - Steam power. Yep. Now here's a lovely picture, just because sometimes its important to just look at a nice picture:

Flamethrowers

2010-08-31T23:09:00.007+09:30

Flamethrowers. Real ones.

The image is of a German "Brennkommando" part of a specialty burning detachment of the German Army - destroying Warsaw during the "Planned Destruction" of the city.

I mean - when you pickup one in a video game, its great and all - but its actually a real weapon used in real-life situations... Sort of. There's lots of evidence of flamethrower-weilding footsoldiers in WWII - but its the Armoured vehicle-mounted throwers which REALLY own.

The British and Canadians fielded "The Wasp" in 1944, paving the way for the eventual "The Badger" and the "Oke", but the most famous flame tank was the "Churchill Crocodile" (Pictured).

Look the others up on Google Images.

El Toro

2010-08-31T22:26:00.003+09:30

El Toro is a wooden rollercoaster located at the "Six Flags Great Adventure" park in New Jersey. Its the third tallest and third fastest rollercoaster in the world. That's a pretty honest effort. Its also got one of the steepest drops, at 76 degrees.

Anyways, I bothered to mention all of this, because a) Its named "El Toro" and that's the coolest name for a coaster ever. And b) Its wooden. There's something so traditionalist, old-school and just amazing about building such an epic thing, piece by piece, and out of wood. Wood is such a classy construction material.

Anyways. "El Toro" - I definitely want to ride this fucken thing.

"Wilderness"

2010-08-31T21:10:00.004+09:30

Yeah... Wilderness. Just say it out loud, its just great. Pretty much, just places "not significantly" affected by human activity. But really, we're talking serious jungles, savannahs, rainforests, tundras, valleys, and all of the really great places in the world. Wilderness, motherfuckers.

Get out into it! .... and start affecting it with human activity.

I dunno.

"Gentleman"

2010-08-24T00:20:00.005+09:30

The Gentleman is a timeless character throughout human history that I hope remains timeless. There is absolutely nothing unfashionable about being one of these. All of the "little details" and subtleties to the idea of a "gentleman" are works of just the most civillized genius.

Manners rule. Being neatly dressed rules. Courtesy Rules.

I hope at least a couple of people consider me one of these.

The Grim Reaper

2010-08-23T23:46:00.008+09:30

This another one of history's "genius" legends. What a fucking badass the Grim Reaper is, man. The ONE guy who never takes any shit from anyone.... No wonder people listen to metal music - they want to have this guy on their side.

The personification of death has been told and retold in many forms - He is often portrayed as a bearded and winged man, but has also been portrayed as a young boy in Greek folklore. In Polish folklore, Death is genderless. The most popularized persona of Death, originating from Celtic folklore - is a skeleton weilding a scythe.

Nice. Check this out:

This is the cover of an 1892 issue of "Le Petit Journal". Imagine picking up your copy of the newspaper, and seeing THAT on the cover. Fuck.

Fuck - a movie about a Young boy who becomes the grim reaper would be cool as shit. Shotgun copyright on that script!

Holy Shit

2010-08-23T23:42:00.003+09:30

Holy Shit. Imagine if this was a documentary. Good god... He's slaying two lions. Two.

By stabbing them both in the head at once.

Ghostbusters II

2010-08-20T12:31:00.009+09:30

Hey man, so Ghostbusters.... except, number 2.

Its the sequel, but as deserving if not more deserving of its own shrine on here. Check it out: New York City has been Ghost-free for 5 years, ever since the Ghostbusters originally did battle with Gozer. After being sued by the city for property damage, the Ghostbusters are all "squeaking by" in various fields of employment. Egon is a laboratory scientist, Ray works in an Occult bookstore, Venkman hosts "World of the Psychic" on public access television, Winston works kids parties as a "Ghostbuster Entertainer". Dana (Sigourney Weaver) works at the Museum, restoring old paintings, including one particularly creepy portrait of seventeenth century tyrant "Vigo the Carpathian".

Anyways, things aren't looking good, and New Yorkers are only getting ruder and angrier. Meanwhile, the Ghostbusters' interest in all things demonic is revitalized, when Dana's baby Oscar is whisked away in his stroller by a mysterious presence. This, combined with the discovery of an enourmous river of slime below the city - signals the return of dark forces to NYC.

Now, i'll let you watch the rest for yourself, but this movie is so underrated. It plays out as a "love letter to New York City" and encourages you to believe in working together with your fellow man, loving life, and that "good vibes can save the world".

Here's something the Ghostbusters do at the climax of the movie:

Yep, they bring the Statue of Liberty to life, and walk it around the streets of NYC. Pow.

NBA Jam: Tournament Edition

2010-08-18T11:17:00.004+09:30

NBA Jam: Tournament Edition is the best arcade game I've ever played. I'd seriously pay the $3,200 or whatever ridiculous price, just to get one of these machines in my house. I'm seriously going to do it.

Basically, since the original "NBA Jam" was so successful, they released a slightly newer one - same gameplay, but with alot more "wacky" easter eggs and cool little tidbits. Here's a video of Raiden and Reptile from the "Mortal Kombat" franchise, playing against the Charlotte Hornets.

So anyway, in these games, you'd usually just play 2-on-2 basketball using your favourite NBA team. If you managed to string together 3 consecutive baskets with one guy, your guy would become "on fire", and start shooting/dunking a flaming ball to the basket, burning its net in the process. The effect only wore off if the opposite team scored. And yeah, if you watch the video - you can get some pretty "sick" looking dunks.

Anyways, the main reason this game rules, is the adorable cheesy commentator. Along with "he's on fire!" - which relates to the above scenario, there are some freaking great lines spouted by the commentary as you play. Check this out:

"Boom-shaka-laka!"
"The Monster Jam!"
"Jams it in!"
"Slam-a-jamma!"
"From Downtown!" - when you bomb up a huge "three pointer"
"Grabs the rebound!"
"The nail in the coffin!" - in the closing moments of play.
"Whoomp, there it is!"
"Puts up a brick!" - when you miss wildly
"Can't buy a bucket!" - when you keep missing wildly
"Is it the shoes?!?" - the commentator can't come up with a better explanation as to why you're playing so good!
"Tenacious D"
"Razzle Dazzle"

Anyways, if you see this game at an arcade or pizza place or whatever. Play it. Is so fucking awesome.

"Fountain of Youth, Motherfuckers"

2010-08-18T02:04:00.004+09:30

The Fountain of Youth is a mythical natural spring that reverses the ravages of time, for anyone who drinks from it. Tales of such a fountain have been told and retold throughout history all over the world.

The legend was popularised in the 1500's, where it is suggested that the Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de León was searching for the Fountain of Youth when he traveled to what is now Florida in 1513. I guess he had a feeling it'd just "be there" or something.

Imagine discovering it. Would you keep it a secret? I fucking would, at least to most people. Everyone would totally "interfere" with my potential immortality otherwise.

Light-years

2010-08-18T01:42:00.006+09:30

A light-year is a unit of measurement, equal to just under 10 trillion kilometres. As defined by the International Astronomical Union, a light-year is the distance that light travels in a vacuum in one (Earth) Year.

Firstly, its "just under" 10 trillion kilometres. 10 trillion. That's hilarious.

Secondly for some probably really good reason, there is an organization called the "International Astronomical Union" (IAU). That's awesome. I'd love to be a member of that shit.

Thirdly, the closest star to the earth, not including "our" sun, is named Alpha Centauri. It is 4.3 light years away from the earth.

Fourthly, sorry about the picture. I just like pictures and wasn't sure what to use to "visually represent" a light-year. This is some gas, or something... photographed using the Hubble Space Telescope.

"Predator X"

2010-08-10T00:48:00.007+09:30

Try this on for size. This awesome beast is the most fearsome marine creature in (pre)history. PREDATOR. X.

Predator X is thought (by scientists, not just me) to be a new species in the Pliosaur family. They excavated the skull of one of these fucking guys, in mid-2008 near the Arctic. The remains were a from a Predator X which (147 million years ago) was 15 metres long, weighed 45,000 kilograms, and had 30cm long teeth.

Experts claim Predator X to be "The most fearsome animal ever to swim in Earth's oceans." Experts put the full stop there, not me. So you know its a serious claim.

Labyrinth!

2010-08-10T00:21:00.004+09:30

No, not the movie starring beloved rock god David Bowie - the actual thing! Labyrinths! They're basically mazes, but pretty epic ones.

The original Labyrinth, from which the name "Labyrinth" was taken was built (by legendary artificer Daedalus) in 27 Centuries BC, for King Minos of Crete. It is known as the "Palace of the Double Axe". Its function was to hold the Minotaur, a creature that was half man and half bull. Boom. I Love Minotaurs. It is said that Daedalus made the Labyrinth so cunningly that he himself could barely escape it after he built it.

Anyways, my favourite Labyrinth is the Reims Labyrinth (pictured above). It sits beneath the Cathedral of Notre Dame, in France. What's your favourite Labyrinth?

Wooden Ships

2010-08-09T22:52:00.003+09:30

This kind of ship is best, man. Look how majestic and "supreme" this watercraft is.

Very, that's how. So yeah, ships made of wood - epic pioneering explorers, conquistadores, cartographers, tradesmen - at one point in history, going around the world in these babies. Such wonderful examples of technology (for the time) and craftsmanship (timeless). Beautiful. I would love to take a "voyage" on one someday.

Anyways, Listen to this song:

Crosby, Stills & Nash - Wooden Ships

Crosby, Stills & Nash (and Young) are cool as shit. Listen to this amazing song, these guys were right on the money. This is what a REAL supergroup does. These guys were part of The Hollies, The Byrds, Buffalo Springfield, and of course, Neil Fucking Young. This track doesn't have him on it though. The first CSN "compilation" record So Far hit the #1 spot on the US charts, so I dunno... just listen to that or something.

Anyways, if you're not already listening to CSN regularly, its probably a good idea to start.

Pyramid

2010-07-29T18:54:00.010+09:30

The Pyramid is a really awesome thing. All the best stuff is Pyramid shaped, because long ago - people realized that it was the best way to shape things. Triangle sides, man. Simple as that.

Now, I hate that my posts are beginning to regularly contain words from "Wolfmother" songs, but let's face it: the one thing those guys did was give their band a cool name. Anyways, best Polyhedron ever? Discuss.

This Pyramid is found on the Great Seal of the United States, for some reason. As far as I know, the USA doesn't have any notable Pyramids, but they get an "A" because they put one on their most common currency anyway. Its very mystic, very confusing - and most importantly, a very epic way to decorate your money.

Here's another guy:

I mentioned in an earlier post, that the Egyptians really knew cool ways of "being dead". This building, the Great Pyramid of Khufu is located in Giza, and was the tallest building in the entire world for 3,800 years. That's a way long time. Anyways, this Pyramid, as well as the Sphinx, and 2 smaller Pyramids - make up the "Giza Necropolis" - which quite literally means "City of the Dead". Holy smokes.

Here's the fucked up thing about ^^this particular Pyramid though... The corners point (within a ridiculously close margin) to True North, South, East and West. HOW THE HELL DID THEY KNOW HOW TO DO THAT? COMPASSES WEREN'T INVENTED YET!

How can I get myself one of these, not so much to die in, but to fucking live in!

Anyways, in closing - Pyramids.

Bear Grylls

2010-07-29T11:19:00.008+09:30

I'm definitely not breaking any new ground here, but Bear Grylls is amazing - it actually doesn't matter at all if all the segments are strictly real or not, this show is fucking amazing. This is a segment from his show Man vs. Wild, look at how close he comes to being wiped out by this fucking train:

Basically, Bear Grylls is the most publicly-celebrated survival badass ever. He pretty much just drops into really remote/dangerous areas - does a bunch of really extreme survival demonstrations (eating bugs, wearing a dead camel, catching fish with his bare hands, etc) and finds a way out. My favourite one so far is the Irish bog-lands, or the Montanan Rockies. Really good stuff.

Anyways, just fantastic television work, real or not. Well done, Bear Grylls.

Heavy Metal: A Step Beyond Science Fiction

2010-07-27T02:17:00.011+09:30

I just couldn't wait for Luxury Wolf to get around to posting this. He'd do a better job, but he's... I dunno, dead or something. Anyways, here's the skinny.

Heavy Metal was a series of Science Fiction comic magazines released in the 70's. They were a smattering of highly outlandish, violent, sexual, (often all three) short stories which would've appealed directly to people like Ringo, Lux and Myself - if we were about 20 years older. I still really want to read some.

Heavy Metal has published works by H.R. Giger and Esteban Maroto, and also included a graphic version of Milton's epic 1667 poem "Paradise Lost" in an issue. It was also adapted into an animated movie. Throw the theme song on (its by The Eagles' Don Felder), its amazing:

Don Felder - Heavy Metal (Takin' A Ride)

Boom. So this movie was where the Canadians were "at" in 1981. They couldn't be more awesome. So yeah, the movie was set up much like an issue of the magazine. There are 9 short stories, each of them based around the concept that a ball of "pure evil" has landed on some planet (possibly Earth, I can't remember) and is fucking up all these different kinds of crazy civilizations. One of them as you can see, has big-breasted warrior women who ride around on Pterodactyls.

Just take it at face value, man. As if you don't want to see this film right now!?

Rhinoceros

2010-07-27T02:05:00.005+09:30

Man, this is such an awesome animal. And we've had a few on here. But this guy... This guy demands respect. Such a badass. He'd "protect his family" above all, or something. Also, in a fight - he could probably take on any member of the animal kingdom, shy of a Megalodon.

That's the crazy thing... I'm racking my brain, and I don't think there's an animal I respect more than the mystic White Rhino.

The other thing I love about this, is the ridiculous image I procured for the Rhinoceros illustration. Its in such out-of-control antiquated language. What on earth does it say? Zoom in on that shit, its really perplexing.

Throne

2010-07-27T01:35:00.006+09:30

Thrones, man. Really, really fancy chairs. Chairs where kings... gods... champions sit. Thrones rule, because you have to be important to have one. I want one.

Check out this amazing throne. How much do you want to sit on this motherfucker?

Alot. That's how. This is the throne of Saint Peter. It resides in Saint Peter's Basilica, in Rome - and was once used by the popes. Unfortunately, my research suggests that you no longer sit on it. Such a waste. Anyways, the chair is often thought to have been actually "sat on" by Saint Peter himself, but was actually a gift to the Pope from "Charles the Bald" in 875. Very old chair.

Anyways, so now its a relic, or something. The incredible ornate bronze "decorations" were designed by Gian Lorenzo Bernini, in 1645. Not quite as old, but would still be a pretty good haul for a catburglar.

Irregardless, I'm not sure why I've been rocking the religious imagery so much lately, but still - those crazy Catholics sure know how to blow their money in spectacular fashion.

"Fire Dancer"

2010-07-27T01:21:00.003+09:30

This is cool, whatever it is. Someone should use this as their "personal insignia" or something.

Not me though, mine's going to be a Unicorn, a Bikini Babe, and a Baby riding to heaven on a "cigar-rocket".

Pandora's Box

2010-07-27T01:06:00.004+09:30

Check out this wicked box, dude.

Wicked, man. I love the concept of Pandora's Box. And using it as a metaphor for something in real-life, is really fun, too. "Man, you've opened Pandora's Box now" - especially if all that's happening is an argument about paying the rent, or something. Anyways, here's the mythology surrounding Pandora's Box:

After Prometheus took fire from the sun, Zeus sought reprisal by handing Pandora (the first woman on Earth) to Epimetheus, the brother of Prometheus. At the same time, Pandora was given a box that she was ordered not to open under any circumstances. Despite this warning, overcome by curiosity Pandora opened the box. Upon doing so, the evils contained within escaped into the world.

All the best stories begin with "After Prometheus took fire from the sun...".

That sucks though, I wish those evils had never escaped into the world.

Trans Am!

2010-07-23T00:53:00.008+09:30

Imagine you're behind the wheel of this badass fucking car. Seriously, just imagine it, proud owner of this glorious Pontiac Trans Am. Look at the decal on the hood, that amazing gold striping, the incredible shiny black exterior.... What an incredible car.

Now turn the stereo volume up on this, motherfucker.

Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird

You're now the coolest man to ever exist. I'd change my name to "Brock Razorskull", and name my new Trans Am something awesome like "Death's Whisper". Yeah.

Demon Lords

2010-07-22T20:29:00.007+09:30

I don't care what you say, the greatest threat to life as we know it isn't Global Warming.

Its Demon Lords.

This is pretty much the same point from my Archangel post. No wonder religion and superstition and ritual "enslaves" a good portion of the world's population. This shit is fucking terrifying. Imagine "dealing with" this^^ guy for eternity!? He'd be such a dick!, whipping you and shit.

Man, I don't care what I have to do - somehow, I'm going to heaven.

Wind Power

2010-07-22T19:26:00.008+09:30

Another two-pronged post, this time we're tackling the supreme power of wind! Yes, wind. The "Silent Overlord" or something epic to that effect. WHOOOOSSSSHHHHHHHH!

First prong: Boom, wind farms, bro. Renewable energy source. One that was so obvious, we should all be doing an earth-wide facepalm right now. These things are so badass and futuristic, I just can't even wait 'til they're everywhere. Like, EVERYWHERE. It'd be like some wussy (but still awesome) version of the Bladerunner universe.

The future, or at least a cool-looking minor part of it, would have arrived. Wind farms. They're the good guys. They don't want to cause any trouble.

This guy probably does want to cause some trouble. Second prong: Wind Power sorcerer. Or "Wind Wizard" - because that sounds pretty great, too. Look at this cool motherfucker. With a flail of his magic hands, he can control the wind to do his bidding. Look at him go!

Man, I'd bring about the doom of mankind, if it meant I could come back as some sort of Wind Wizard. Just in case I already am one, I'm going to try and "close the door" from where I'm sitting.

...

It didn't work.

Guys, Cheap Trick!

2010-07-20T14:32:00.012+09:30

Hey, so chalk Cheap Trick down to being one of the greatest "oh... THAT song!" bands ever. Nobody really seems to remember the fact that they strung together 5 pretty fucking solid hits during their time (their "heyday" was around '74 - '88). They're also pretty well known for 4 decades of near-continuous touring.

They're still playing now, actually. Just incredibly well tightened, cheesy powerful pop-rock. Anyways, If I played you any of their charting songs, you'd recognize them... But here's my personal favourite:

Cheap Trick - Dream Police

Man, isn't that just the "essence" of Rock N' Roll for that period? Just such a simple chord arrangement and a pure, simple melody. So melody driven. So rad.

Archangels

2010-07-20T00:59:00.007+09:30

This Archangel has a flaming sword. No wonder people believe in these crazy bastards. They're probably worried that if they don't, they'll get a flaming sword upside the head!

The concept of the "Wrath of God" is incredible. Its probably not going to "get you" but watch out for it, anyway. These guys would be his soldiers, or something. Epic. So not only do these guys get to fly around all over the place, but they get to wield flaming swords. Bad luck, Satan. I'm not sure you can top that.

SUPERSONIC JETS

2010-07-20T00:35:00.004+09:30

*Guitar Solo*

More of these bad boys need to "fly overhead" more often. Its seriously been years since if felt the "raw power" of a high octane Jet, smashing it over a sporting event. They go faster than "sound" can. Incredible.

They should do flyovers of the suburbs every morning at 6am.

The Sorcerer's Apprentice

2010-07-20T00:07:00.004+09:30

Things that are a "Masterpiece" are great. This is Disney's. Say what you will about Disney (I'm shamelessly a huge fan) - this was made in 1940. This shit stands up to any Miyazaki shit any day.

Fuck yeah. Masterpiece, man.

"Dream Eater"

2010-07-19T23:34:00.004+09:30

This happy little character is named "Gengar". And Oh my god, one of the few capable of wielding the power of the Dream Eater. Best move ever.

Make sure you have a "pp Up" handy for this one. Its time for a midnight cruise. Let me lay it down for ya:

Basically, its a move in the original "Pokemon" series. You have to cast a preliminary "sleep" move on your opponent's Pokemon. Get him nice and unable to attack.

Then its Dream Eater time. So, while your opposition is asleep, you fuck him up by eating his fucken dreams. BAM! You smash his HP, and get some of your own back. Next thing you know, Gary's out of usable Pokemon and blacked out!

The Phantom

2010-07-19T18:33:00.004+09:30

The Phantom, is perhaps a fairly underrated total badass, for a few reasons. First, look at his ring. Badass. He leaves you with his mark after he punches you. Second, the Phantom is set in "the jungle". The jungle rules. Third, his reputation. Check it out:

The Phantom is the lone survivor of an invaded ship, which wrecked on a "Bengallan" beach. After the slaughter of his father and entire crew by Pirates, he swore to perpetually fight against piracy, greed, injustice.... and took on the Phantom persona.

His son, and then grandson in turn adopted the Phantom identity, earning the nicknames "The Man Who Cannot Die" (Boom), "Guardian of the Eastern Dark" (Boom) and "The Ghost Who Walks" (Boom), with many Bengallans believing him to be immortal.

The guy just strikes fear into anyone plotting to do any shady "Jungle Business". He doesn't even have any real superpowers... Just pistols and rings.

Genius. I never know what's going on when I see the daily strip, but now I'm going to try and "follow it" for a while.

Phoenix

2010-07-19T18:10:00.004+09:30

Phoenix.... Mystical, powerful Phoenix.

These dudes are amazing. They're mythical "Fire Spirits" with a 1000 year lifespan and the ability to be reborn. When a Phoenix dies, it settles into a nest, ignites, and from the flames comes a brand new Phoenix (or an egg containing one), ready to invigorate the imagination of a new generation. In some stories, Phoenixes can also transform into people.

Badass. I hope to one day "be" one.

The Irresistible Force vs. The Immovable Object

2010-07-16T12:29:00.008+09:30

No, not the Omnipotence Paradox.... This was dubbed the "Biggest Mainevent in Sports Entertainment". Hulk Hogan versus Andre the Giant, WrestleMania III.

It was Wrestling's peak, a peak the WWE have only just barely managed to reach a couple of times since. This was Hulkamania, the entire country (America) got behind this balding, over-the-top, spirit-of-the-80s muscleman.

The most popular and charismatic wrestler of all time, deserved the most fearsome and credible of opponents. Andre The Giant, a 7-foot, awkwardly-clumsy ogre of a man, was widely believed to be undefeatable, due to his sheer size. The marketing and build up to the event was second to none, and for the event, I think the WWF broke every attendance and pay-per-view record (at the time) by a country mile.

The match, however - hasn't quite stood the test of time as well as the "mythology" of the event. Luckily, for the most part- the quality and athleticism of wrestling matches since has evolved well past the "acting" and "storyline" elements. But, I digress.

Here's a dramatized run through of the match - pretty impressive... Especially the ending - watch the crowd lose their shit. :)

Total Badasses: Roy Orbison

2010-07-15T18:00:00.010+09:30

Roy Orbison is, in my opinion - perhaps a little under-appreciated by the youth of today. In the early '60s, most male musicians put forth a macho, masculine persona. Orbison instead portrayed a quiet, desperate, lonely character.

He nailed it on most occasions, too - with some huge hits in "I Drove All Night", "Oh, Pretty Woman", and "Only The Lonely". Great tracks, absolutely timeless. Plus, he just looks and sings like a fucking badass. What woman wouldn't swoon over THIS guy?:

Timeless. Here's my favourite track of Roy's, the very last single he released before his heart-attack and subsequent death in 1988. For some reason the idea he died shortly after, makes this song all the more tender. :)

Roy Orbison - You Got It

[mp3]

For more Total Badasses, go here.

"Painkillers"

2010-07-15T17:46:00.003+09:30

Has anything this innocently commonplace ever had such a terrifying name? Painkillers, man - they're pretty great (I'm typing this with one shoulder recently dislocated), and just such an awesome word to describe what they do. As if anyone would say out loud "I'm need to take some Analgesics"... that's fucked.

"I need some motherfucking Painkillers."

Now we're talking.

Those Summer Nights....

2010-07-15T14:20:00.012+09:30

Its official, I miss the summer. Not for those horrible blisteringly dry days, but for the amazing nights. Just perfect setting for sitting outside enjoying the warm darkness. So great. The imagery that goes along with "hot summer nights", and all of that Miami nightlife scene is just awesome. Check out that classic sunset, so 80's and brilliant.

Really, i just want an excuse to "wear a shirt with the buttons mostly undone".

And ride this around:

Yeah man, I'd own on that thing, I wouldn't wear a helmet, either... Unless it had some sort of naked woman on it. Also, I'd be listening to this:

ABBA - Summer Night City

Gryphon!

2010-07-13T00:40:00.010+09:30

Hey, so this creature fucking KICKS ASS. Look at this glorious fellow!

Gryphons, man. Or Griffins. Badass mythical creatures, oh my god. Look at this majestic monster! Such a cool combination of influences on this thing.... as in, he's a monster, but fighting for the "good guys". That's brilliant.

When I made my last post, I immediately decided these guys were not only one of the greatest examples of something that just oozes Majesty, but they more than qualified as a creature worthy of its own post.

I salute you, almighty winged overlords!

"Majesty"

2010-07-13T00:39:00.012+09:30

Having the quality of "Majesty" attributed to you is amazing. I would absolutely love to be thought of as Majestic, particularly if i was "worthy" of the label. Such a powerful sounding word, the word Majestic is Majestic in its own right. Fucken "All-Caps" shit, bro. "MAJESTY" bro!! All the very best shit in the whole-wide universe is Majestic. Look at this:

Majesty, man.

Fucken Royal Majesty, man.

Nature's Majesty!

Bam. Majesty. Respect it.

Watch Out! Sand Wraith!

2010-07-12T22:42:00.005+09:30

Look at this scary motherfucker. Sand Wraith, bro - he'll get ya. Something so epically sinister about a creature "emerging" from a cloud of sand, attacking its prey, and then disappearing into the night... Badass.

I want to BE one and AVOID one at all costs.... not at the same time, obviously.

Leaning: It's the coolest thing ever

2010-07-09T01:29:00.006+09:30

Dude, leaning against things. It's awesome. It makes you instantly cooler. Way back in history, somebody awesome probably just decided that he "didn't feel like supporting ALL of his weight" - and leaned against a wall. Probably blew some 12th Century minds.

Yeah man, leaning. Try it out sometime, it looks amazing and you'll feel invincible. Classic James Dean shit.

Anyways, get a load of this:

See? Coolest shit around/in town.

Cloud Kingdom

2010-07-09T01:15:00.003+09:30

Yeah! Cloud Kingdom! *Fist Pump*. Such a freaking great concept, building an entire city upon a cloudscape. Or Dreamscape. Whoa.

I dunno, I guess that's all.

Storms. BOTH kinds.

2010-07-08T02:41:00.013+09:30

Ok, so Storms. Storms are badass. This Storm-themed post has a couple of tendrils, just like the Ice post. Here's the first tendril:

Just a fucking powerful, fearsome bit of weather. Look at that guy, just looming over the little farmstead. Get the fuck out of the way of that fucking storm! Treacherous. Merciless. Unrelenting. Storm.

I think its really just the word "storm" that gets me going, man - such a badass term for "inclement weather".

Second Tendril:

Fucken SANDSTORM, man. Check that shit out! Sand everywhere, coming from all angles. You'd get so disorientated and lost in there, man. Crazy. That's the kind of shit that will give you "Desert Madness" quicker than a hiccup. Plus, your accuracy would greatly fall.

Yeah, Sandstorm. Deal with it.

Total Badasses: Serge Gainsbourg

2010-07-07T19:09:00.007+09:30

When I think of the words "Europe" and "cool" together I think of Serge Gainsbourg. What a fucking cool guy. Always with a cigarette in his hand, always drunk and slightly disheveled, this guy was the debauched poet/bard of his generation.

There are some amazing stories about Serge. In the 60s he wrote songs for various pop artists, one of whom was a very young French starlet named France Gall. One of Gall's biggest hits was the Serge-penned Les Sucettes, a seemingly innocent tale of a little girl who loves aniseed-flavoured lollipops. France continued to sing and perform the song until eventually finding out it was about oral sex, at which point she locked herself away for several months out of shame. Serge. What a dirty badass..

Watch them perform Les Sucettes here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nr0dUcrAU0
(can't embed this one, darn!)

Another is from his late period, in the 80s, when he'd appear on French TV, constantly drunk and ramble erotically. Here is a legendary moment when he tells Whitney Houston that he wants to fuck her:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bMdXi6f5KRg

For more total badasses, click here.

I Dunno, Moondragon?

2010-07-07T02:57:00.004+09:30

Yeah, so here's a nice picture of a dragon, up in the serene night sky. A Moondragon. There he is.... Just up there, chilling out, enjoying his "Moon Kingdom" or something. Pretty cool, huh?. What a champ.

PS: Don't read this, just look at the Moondragon.

Rocket Sled!

2010-07-07T02:45:00.002+09:30

Dude, Rocket Sled!

Ever wanted to break the land speed record? Sure you have! Ever wanted to watch something go 10,325km/h? Me too! Lets buy a Rocket Sled, bro!

Also, this:

Joseph Kittinger, man. He did the coolest shit ever possible. He put on a flight suit, went 102,800 feet in the air (high enough to see that the Earth is indeed a sphere) in a hot air balloon... and then leaped out.

It was the highest, fastest, and longest skydive ever. By a country mile. On the way down, he experienced incredible G-Forces (see above), and went through the sound barrier.... except he wasn't "in" anything. No vehicle. That's incredible.

He totally lived to tell the tale.

In conclusion, This:

The Ark of the Covenant

2010-07-07T02:11:00.005+09:30

Man, religion had the best writing staff. This thing rules. Its basically just a really, really holy box. It holds the inscribed tablets of the 10 commandments, and was powerful enough to part the Red Sea, or the river Jordan, or some shit.

Badass.

Also - look at the crazy shit going on on top of that thing! Fuck! Two cherubim angels, pointing their wings toward each other. Fucking badass. Such a fancy box! I'd totally keep my vinyls in there.

Nah just kidding, I don't have "vinyls".

Vision Quest!

2010-07-07T01:44:00.006+09:30

A Vision Quest is a rite of passage in Native American culture. Shamanistic rituals, bro. Basically, when you're a youth becoming a grown man/woman, you fast, and head out into the wilderness, and become attuned to the Spirit World. Pwaaaaah!

Let's go "complete" one!

Stephen Root rules

2010-07-06T13:09:00.000+09:30

Stephen Root is one of my favourite comedic character actors. He's a champ. This is arguably his most famous performance.

Fucken Milton from Office Space. This movie is one of the most underrated - or deserving of cult status or whatever - of all time. Milton is the most memorable character in the whole thing, and the one who ultimately wins out. Milton rules. If you haven't seen this movie GO AND SEE IT RIGHT NOW. Its awesome.

Also this:

Bill Dauterive. Yeah yeah, another "I love King of the Hill" post, but seriously - some of the most clever shit that's ever happened on TV, let alone on FOX. More consistent than all of the "Big Players" in the TV Family-Animation game.

Bill is Hank's pathetic best friend, and the lonely bachelor of the group you famously see standing in the alley drinking beer. He's a military man, an Army Barber actually - and is known for his willingness to go along with anything. He's also Cajun. The episode where he joins a Hippie commune is just gold.

Mongolian Death Worm

2010-07-03T20:57:00.003+09:30

That's right. It's the motherfucking Mongolian Death Worm! Cower before it! But seriously, this thing has actually been rumoured to exist! The Mongolian name for it is the olgoi-khorkoi, and sightings of it have been reported in the Gobi desert for hundreds of years by locals.

Not only is it freaking huge, but locals have said that it fucking spews sulphuric acid at you (!), and can send a lethal electric discharge from a long distance (!!). Not only that, but its fatal to the touch. So in summary, its a gigantic, electric, acid-spewing worm that kills you if you even touch it.

Mongolian death worm. Another amazing cryptid.

Also, I think I've found an amazing name for my penis...

Cool occupations: Scribe!

2010-07-03T20:46:00.003+09:30

Hey, so, would this be a cool job? Being a scribe entails very meticulously writing shit down in the most fancy, immaculate, cool handwriting ever. Just sitting there, writing. Perhaps you'd be a Royal Scribe? Like, a guy who writes down every decree that a King or Queen would make in a Royal ledger, or something. You'd probably wear some wicked official clothing. Like a robe and a colourful cap.

It would make for an awesome ice-breaker/pickup line. "So what do you do?" "Oh, I'm studying marketing at Adelaide Uni and working retail part-time, you?" "I'm a motherfucking scribe, baby!".

Scribe trivia: Tolstoy's wife reportedly scribed, by hand, his entire novel War and Peace, by candlelight, several times over the course of several years.

Paradise

2010-06-30T02:18:00.006+09:30

Would writing "Paradise is Awesome" be the stupidest thing ever?... yeah it would be.

But it totally is awesome. Hanging out there for a Gentleman's 10 centuries in the afterlife would be fucking handy, dude. Just chilling out, enjoying some Paradise.

Here's another thing:

Perhaps this is a loose connection... The resort vacation that Corbin won in the competition named "Floston, Paradise" - but whatever.

Best monologue in cinema history? #BigCalls

Easily the Most Underrated thing Ever

2010-06-30T01:57:00.004+09:30

I can't believe how great this song is. Cool, average-American looking Joe writes incredible Soft Rock jam, and gets Michael McDonald to guest on it. Members of Dot-Com generation cotton on. Elevator music is cool in 2010.

Ride Like The Wind, motherfuckers.

Boom.

Iron Maiden Artwork

2010-06-30T01:26:00.008+09:30

Ok, so I probably should point out I'm late to the party here. Also, I'm really not trying to be the "Irony" guy - because that's terrible. But seriously, at complete face value alone, this:

Fucken Iron Maiden man. I'm never going to want to hear guitars that loud in person. I will never buy a "second kick pedal". I'm pretty comfortable with my experience listening to "turned all the way up to 3" two-guitar jams.

But from this day forward, any CD I buy will have artwork at least ^this^ badass.

PS: I know, right!? electricity has begun to engulf the pyramid.

Total Badasses: Gambit

2010-06-30T01:12:00.005+09:30

Gambit, bro. Or Remy Etienne LeBeau, if you want his real name. THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S CAJUN, BITCHES.

Gambit is a mutant, part of the Uncanny X-Men series of comics. He holds power over people with his immense charm, and uses telekinesis to propel and explode things. Gambit's 'trademark' is card throwing attacks, but he also kicks ass hand-to-hand, and with a staff. Ranged and Melee.

He's also the X-Man who manages to score with Rogue. Totally. Badass.

For more Total Badasses, go here.

Can You Feel It?

2010-06-30T00:52:00.006+09:30

Just, wow. One of the most perplexing & beautiful moments in the history of music & music video. Please, Enjoy.

Chaos Mage

2010-06-30T00:43:00.003+09:30

Some things are just incredibly awesome Google Image "search terms". These two words are incredible searches. Try it out.

Fucken Chaos Mage, bro. If I ever see a job offer advertised in the newspaper that reads "Chaos Mage" as the headline, I'm taking it. No questions asked. Cast some motherfucking spells.

"Shadow Treasurer"

2010-06-30T00:38:00.004+09:30

Hey, so isn't this a really, really badass job title? In Australian politics, the opposition's would-be treasurer is known as the Shadow Treasurer. I don't think any other job that uncool would have such a fucken cool name.

Imagine what a more dramatic version of a Shadow Treasurer would do? Whoa. Nice.

Bebop & Rocksteady

2010-05-29T14:46:00.007+09:30

Ok, so what is it with kids' fascination with "Humanoid Animals"? Its actually known as Theriocephaly. Which is cool - hey, look! We all just learned something!

Anyways yeah - hybrids. Are they just awesome? Guys with animal features, but strong, human-like muscles. Yeah! It would be very cool if they existed in real life. But they don't, so here's this:

Bebop & Rocksteady. They're the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (also pretty cool), and the evil Shredder (!)'s henchmen. They use freakin' guns, and just tear shit up - they're just awesome, fun brawlers. They're basically just tough comic relief dudes in the cartoon, but whatever - its all about the action figures.

How good were the bebop and Rocksteady action figures! You could do so much "action" with those figures, man. Great "baddie" guys to smash your "goodie" guys into. Great fun.

Action figures rule.

http://dchan316.deviantart.com/ made the image. Its pretty badass.

I Survived

2010-05-27T23:42:00.004+09:30

*Potentially upsetting/disturbing content disclaimer*

This series, man. So intense. Wait for the third guy. Holy shit.

Basically, its about people who have really, really realistic brushes with death. And like... talk in depth about it. Its fucked up, but also really amazing.

Man, as if a show like this even exists. The future has arrived.

Honest John

2010-05-27T22:42:00.010+09:30

Honest John. He's very, very cool. Basically, he's a good-for-nothing hobo Fox, with a catchy name and a sly disposition. Also he wears human clothes and walks on two legs. He meets this little puppet boy, Pinocchio - on his way to school (at this point, Pinocchio knows literally NOTHING about the ways of the world).

Honest John convinces Pinocchio that he should skip school and become a star instead, under his guidance. Also, later he convinces Pinocchio he is sick and suggests a vacation on "Pleasure Island" (Bam!) as treatment. Anyways, here's how it went down:

Man, Disney are geniuses. I'm such a Disney Mark.

Anyways, yeah - Foxes + Disney = great stuff.

Excalibur

2010-05-27T22:30:00.004+09:30

So, there was this awesome sword....

Hahaha, I realized as I typed it - that is such a good way to begin a story. It'd have me hooked.

Anyways, there was this awesome sword. This dude, named King Arthur - was given Excalibur by the Lady in the Lake, or something. And then later there was another sword or something, and it got stuck in a stone, and only Arthur, the true king could remove it. Ok, so I guess that wasn't such a great story. But seriously, go read about English folklore, its amazing.

Also, remember that game Excalibur? You might have played it in "Primary School" or something, you use cards - and those cards have weapons on them - its kind of like a larger-group game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. One guy would have Excalibur on his card, and if you were unlucky enough to challenge that guy, you'd - I dunno "lose", or some shit. Its better if you just remember it.

Anyways, Excalibur.

Sarcophagi

2010-05-27T22:23:00.005+09:30

I want to be buried in one of THESE motherfuckers:

Man, that would be so fucken cool. All glorious and lavish and shit, I'd be the most "bling" dead guy ever. You know what else are cool? Crypts, man. Fucken Mausoleums, tombs - graveyards in general.

People get all this really cool shit done to them when they die, for some reason. I'm all for it, because I'm greedy and don't care what money gets spent on me after I'm dead. I'm going all out. Plus, the bonus is - if I become a Ghost or a Spectre or something, I'm going to have a fucking awesome house all ready to live in and have "ghoulish parties" in. Yeah.